Ugly is not Ugly Enough to Describe Saturday`s Predators Game
Dan Ryan
Monday May 6, 2002
It leaves you physically the same way the dry heaves do after the stomach flu finally gets to you vomit the past few days’ worth of food. It mentally drains you the way losing an argument to your mother-in-law on the rare instance she`s right, or knowing that you live in a society that continues to make Fear Factor a ratings success and has ensured that talentless crud like Tom Green still makes a comfortable living while you can`t get a golf shirt from the web site that you crank out a weekly column for.
Of course, nothing in the above paragraph had anything to do with the New Jersey Gladiators` 45-44 victory over the Orlando Predators in perhaps the most butt-ugly sloshfest your humble correspondent has ever experienced. But I feel better now. Thanks.
Also, for Preds management: Get rid of that promo girl and her grating voice and go back to playing Lnyrnd Skyrnrd and Molly Hatchett rather than that disco crap over the PA. You are seriously alienating your fan base. And on behalf of the males in attendance, we say thank you to the girl in section 117 for showcasing her ampleness. There. I feel much, much better.
Back to my point. I`m not whining and I thank God and David Baker [yes, in that order, Rev. Pickut. Go forth and partake of a delicious chicken wing from a restaurant chain that sponsors our sport] every day for providing an opportunity for a moonlighting gig that does not entail my saying the words: "You want fries with that?" But if I have to spend a Saturday night away from the family, am I asking too much for an assignment that at least has some style and grace, not to mention a storyline that doesn`t involve a kicker missing three point-afters, including the one with 1:42 remaining that could have sent the game in OT?
Now, I don`t like to kick people when they`re down, and David Cool is a good person, but if I was kicking somebody, I probably could nail him more than half of the time. Then again, the last thing we needed was this thing to go an extra few minutes.
Orlando never got into any offensive rhythm after two Jay Gruden second-quarter interceptions, one by former teammate Damon Mason. Consider this stat: Seven of the Preds` 18 first downs came via penalty. Yeah, that`s fun to watch the zebra move the ball better for the home team better than Siaha Burley.
And New Jersey? Props to you for your effective ball-control offense. Wake me when you score again.
Now, the onside kicks calls were brilliant. Up 23-13 with less than two minutes to go and getting the ball first in the second half and you can put the game away, but no, Kenny McEntyre makes a pick, and then Ernest Allen pancakes your quarterback for a fumble that begins the Predator comeback.
Then again, there`s nothing more beautiful then a defensive smother of a quarterback on a perfectly executed rush. That`s entertainment, even more so than the girl in section 117.
Dan Ryan has been involved with all forms of arena football since 1988, including writing for ArenaFan when Joe Kauffman and Tim Capper aren’t killing his columns because they don’t get his jokes or perspective. His day job is at Bethune-Cookman University, which has produced both an NFL Hall of Famer (Larry Little) and an Arena Football Hall of Famer (Stevie Thomas) and his hobby is tracking how many f-bombs Adam Markowitz drops in the chat room on game nights.
