Did AFL find the sound with Kiss Deal?
So what can Kiss do for arena football that Bon Jovi couldn’t?
Since the Rock Gods who could concoct epic musical offerings as “Plaster Caster” and “Lick It Up” couldn’t answer the press conference question of my Godforsaken career of covering our awesome but mismanaged niche sport, let me offer an opine since 1) Every time I watched Gene Simmons Family Jewels, I always thought he’d should be owning a AFL team and 2) I was Peter Criss in a 5th grade talent show and our version of “Shout It Out Loud” was, and Ryan Steele is going to love this: Bitching!
Okay. Here goes: Beth I hear you calling, but I can’t come home right now, me and the boys are playing, and we just can’t find the sound.…Damn! 1975 flashback. Sorry.
1) Provide an exit strategy for Brett Bouchy. Sixteen year run in Orlando was amazing, but face it, the well dried for him and the Predators in Amway Center isn’t as much fun as the Preds at the TD Waterhouse or whatever they called it. Now he’s in EL-AY. Swimming pools. Movie Stars. A whole new market with a rock and roll machine behind him. The only way life could be better would be to have a nymphomaniac girlfriend whose dad owns a chain of strip clubs and liquor stores. Well played, Brett. Well played indeed.
[I’m sure there’s a Shaq or Dwight Howard joke here somewhere, but nah….]
2) A burst of adrenalin. The arena football league was trending on my google Friday morning. Saw something on the 2 a.m. sports center. Paul Stanley nailed the part about adrenalin, it’s just he’s giving it to the business side as well. Everyone’s going to have a bit more enthusiasm and all the teams are now either going to either going to try to keep up with LA or beat LA.
3) Some street cred. Sign a deal like this and the doors/opportunity that were shut in 2009 [And let's face it. Jon could not do anything to stop an implosion that was just waiting to happen] could be open again. And if it works in LA, hey, maybe instead of resurrecting the Drive or the Fury, we’ll get the Detroit Rock City.
Tangent – speaking of credibility – Hey John Cena, Shut the F--- Up. I respect you because you are a former United States Marine. Semper Fi. And as a former Marine, you should never forget what a means to put on an uniform and sacrifice your body for your teammates. Never disrespect these players, or any football player regardless of league they’re in. Whoever wrote your lines deservers a hammer lock and a long lesson in how your company’s foray into football didn’t exactly go that well. End of tangent.
4) A New hope. Suddenly, teams getting fired at Olive Garden and championship games getting bumped to 10:30 kickoffs because of Tim Tebow playing a preseason game now seem distant. Yeah, there’s still a lot of explaining to do – you think Jerry Kurz did a background check this time? Bazinga! – about Chicago and Utah but now there actually a decent recent for having a modicum of optimism.
Face it, you can not frak this up. Kiss might not have put arena football back on the map, but they got everyone wanting to look at the map again. And if this goes south, well, there’s no excuse.
So, Beth, I know you're lonely and hope you'll be all right. 'Cause me and the boys will be playin'...All night. ALL NIIIIIIIIIGHT.
You know, 1975 was awesome.