Presents for Everyone
Matthew Pickut
Friday June 22, 2001
Last week ‘anything went’, and the Milwaukee Mustangs pulled off the upset and gave the Firebirds an unexpected gift: a chance to lead the division. This gift reminded me of another great upset: when Judas Maccabee and the boys lead the Jewish people against the Romans for control of Palestine in 166 B.C.E. in the old AFL (Ancient Fighting League) and won. No one expected them to do more than writhe in pain, either. Instead, like the Mustangs, the underdogs took over and history was made. (Okay, no one’s expecting to remember the Milwaukee/Grand Rapids game in two thousand-plus years, but stay with me here.)
Each year during Chanukah we remember that miraculous upset by giving presents. So I thought this would be a great time to celebrate “Chanukah in June.” I know that it’s summer, but break out the Menorah, start spinning the dredle and frying up the latke, because in honor of the Mustangs’/Maccabeean victory I’m giving my fantasy gifts, eight of em’ – one for each night the candles burn.
Here is what I am thinking:
Night 1 –A kennel for OL/DL Mark Valvo. Before the week 8 bye I asked him about his plans for the off-week. “I’m going back to Albany, and I’m going to see my pug.” I don’t think that there could be a dog that better fits the leader of a group that calls itself the “Big Uglies.” Ugly is what pugs do best, and if Firebirds QB Raymond Philyaw is going to continue to improve this year, the “Big Uglies” will have to play at their best.
Night 2 – Some playing time for Rookie FB/LB Sunungura ‘Go-Go’ Rusununguko (whose name, according to my spell checker, should be ‘Sunup angora Rosin nuke’). Go-go hasn’t seen time on the field this year because on the depth chart. He’s behind FB/LB Umar Muhammad and FB/LB Leroy Thomson, the league leader in rushing. This is a double present, first because I’m sure the Ball State product would like to get into a game, and second because I think everyone in attendance would like to hear PA announcer Joe Devlin try to pronounce his name.
Night 3 – A night off for “Jimmy” the elevator guy. Every home game I see Jimmy when I take the elevator down to the media room. Jimmy probably attends every event at Conseco Fieldhouse but never leaves his post in front of the buttons. You may never see Jimmy, but he’s there – tirelessly pushing buttons so I don’t have carry my overweight carcass up the stairs. I want Jimmy to have a night off, preferably one when the Indiana Fever plays. (That way I don’t have to take the stairs).
Night 4 – A home for the Houston ThunderBears. Not that it affects the Firebirds, but the bears need a place to call home. I get homesick after just a few days, I admit it. However, even that is better then not even having a home. It would be better for the team and the league if the ThunderBears could at least know where they will be playing next year.
Night 5 – A better first half against the Rampage for K Nelson Garner. In the first regular season game against Grand Rapids, Garner missed two extra points and two field goals. After that, Garner hit 53 of his next 58 PAT attempts and improved his kick-off performance. Even that kind of performance doesn’t seem to satisfy Garner. “I’m a bit of a perfectionist,” says Garner whose practice schedule takes him to West Lafayette once a week to practice at Purdue. “The goal posts are different [from the AFL at Purdue], but you just try and split the uprights.” A good first-half kicking against Grand Rapids would go a long way towards showing the first half of game one was an aberration.
Night 6 – A new shirt for “Crazy Fan Guy.” Last week a fan ripped his shirt off when he got on the big screen. Let’s just say there wasn’t much chance that coach Mike Dailey was going to call this guy out of the stands to play linebacker. All I can do is think of the great words of Homer Simpson, “Alcohol . . . cause of, and solution too, all of life’s problems.” (That last line is sarcasm; just wanted to make sure in case someone from the denomination is reading.)
Night 7 – A long TD pass for OS Eddie Brown on the first play of the game. Nothing would be more fitting than Brown catching a TD pass for the 25 yards he needs to become only the second player to break the 10,000-yard mark. The man nicknamed “Touchdown” is second in the league in scoring this year and all ready holds the league record for TD receptions in a career with 250 and most points scored in a single game (54).
Night 8 – More Fireworks for everyone. I’m counting on the Fieldhouse staff for this one. There are already enough pyrotechnics in the pregame, but what about during the game? Maybe it’s just my testosterone showing, but I can never get enough explosions for my money.
OK, I might not be able to deliver on all the gifts, but you never know which way the dredle will fall – we might get lucky. So until this December, “Motzel Tov, and Next year in Israel!”
Matthew Pickut is a pastor in northern Indiana and a long time AFL fan. He also writes for his own website: The Brown Paper Blog. He graduated from Taylor University in Upland Indiana (class of `96) with degrees in Biblical Literature and Sociology as well as a healthy respect for the medicinal properties of coffee.
