The Most Boring 72 Points You`ll Ever See
Kevin Sheller
Sunday May 13, 2001
If you have a QB who gets rattled by the pass rush, or someone who isn’t patient enough to wait for the receiver to get open, then you don’t score. It sounds so simple. Just stand there and throw the ball when you are supposed to. La-dee-da. Just wait. Throw it. Score. Do it every time. Ho hum. Score on every possession. You win. They lose.
Billy Dicken can do this, and he proved it with a performance as uninteresting as it was amazing. He was standing around, throwing passes. Ho hum. Completing first downs every time. Yawn. Throwing touchdown passes. "Hey, tell me when they don’t score, I’m going to take a snooze. Oh, they scored every time? Ok. They win."
The Rush were always behind. When they took the lead after some turnovers in the fourth quarter, it was over. The end looked easy. As soon as the Rush got themselves ahead, the fans knew they could go home. The guy wasn’t going to make a mistake. The Rush weren’t going to come up short.
Yeah, yeah, I know. You can never go home in an Arena Football game. There will probably be another three touchdowns when there’s only 1:00 showing on the clock. But no. Really. I’ve been to plenty of Arena Football games. I knew it was over. And sure, there were touchdowns scored after the lead changed hands. But guess what? The Rush scored on every remaining possession. Why?
Billy Dicken.
What a boring guy. He just completes passes. He’s even boring to talk to, “I thought I was pretty relaxed. It was just another game, you know. I’ve played before 100,000 people before, so it’s not a huge deal,” said Dicken after the 72-point win, and first-ever start in the AFL.
Sheesh. What does it take to get this guy excited? Imagine this. "Billy Dicken, you just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do next?"
"I think I`ll take a nap."
Superstitious
Managing partner Alan Levin said he wasn’t superstitious, but as his Rush entered the third quarter still losing, he decided he’d had enough and walked up to the same far-away vantage point he stood to watch the home-opening win. He had been standing in the end zone, watching his team from a better spot than any fan could ever dream, but the team was behind, and it was eating him up. It was a ridiculous location to watch a game, he admitted, but whatever it took to win.
Maybe Levin should have received the game ball for pulling out the victory.
Throbbing Lumps
Jeff Loots had scrapes and swelling on his left elbow and shoulder so large that he didn’t even dress for the game. For three straight weeks, opponents had been pile-driving Loots relentlessly.
Dicken will likely lead the team this weekend against the undefeated Rampage.
Redeemed
Dameon Porter was so open he forgot to catch it. After Porter dropped two easy touchdowns in the first quarter, he made up for it with two interceptions – Indiana QB Raymond Philyaw’s first and second of his career.
He and Dicken earned Ironman and MVP respectively, and they both deserved it. Dicken kept the Rush scoring, and Porter finally found a way to hault the unstoppable Firebirds.
During the post-game press conference, Porter apologized to his quarterback for the dropped touchdowns.
“That’s alright,” said Dicken as the press giggled.
Kevin Sheller ia founder of Arenafan Online and was the principal owner until 2004. Kevin graduated from the University of Akron with a degree in technical writing, and has been a member of the Arena Football Internet community since 1993. He has worked as a professional web programmer and is also the executive producer for a computer/video game company. The most recent Xbox title to his credit is called Hunter: The Reckoning.
