The Firebirds’ Broadcasting Network is on the Air
Matthew Pickut
Friday May 11, 2001
So I thought the Indiana Firebirds’ should have a network. It would fit right in on the dial between the Home and Bowling network and the 24-hour Shopping Club for Badgers.
Just imagine . . . (if you are having trouble imagining at home try this: Place your thumb and forefinger about 3 inches apart on your chin and move them slowly together and back while saying “hmmm”. It always seems to work for Letterman)
Tune in to FBN this week to see:
Everybody loves Raymond (Philyaw) - and who wouldn’t? “Raymond is a great competitor,” says Firebird’s Head Coach Mike Dailey, “ [he] fights hard and does the little things to help us win.” Join Raymond’s quirky group of WRs Jay Jones, Greg Hopkins, Van Johnson, and OS Eddie Brown for hilarious hi-jinx as they catch passes from the highest rated QB in the Arena Football league. In this weeks’ special episode FB Leroy Thompson guest stars as the neighbor who shows Raymond and the boys that AFL Fullbacks are people too.
ADMTV (Attention Deficit Music TV) – the best 15 seconds of your favorite music can be heard between plays. It’s a little frustrating because its only enough to get the chorus in. Still, I want to personally offer my thanks to whoever chooses the music at Firebirds’ games. This season they have not asked the timeless musical question “Who Let Dogs Out?” I did, all right, I am sorry, I let the dogs out and I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Who knew people would care so much? Look, I have already said I’m sorry so just back off. Please. What do you people want from me?
Law and Order – This year’s surprise hit (pun intended). DS’s Cornelius Coe and Cedrick Walker dispense arenaball justice in the backfield. Coe and Walker lay down the law and the order the old fashioned way: with their shoulder pads. They rank 1st and 10th the league in total tackles and anchor a Firebirds’ defense that leads the league with a plus 9-takeaway/giveaway margin. Carl Sacco, Jay Jones, and Greg Hopkins star in reoccurring roles working undercover to disrupt the flow of passes into the end zone. Parental Advisory: This show contains scenes of a violent and highly enjoyable nature.
Now and Again – This week is the big reunion show. Chicago Rush Head Coach Mike Hohensee, himself a former Firebird, leads a team that has six former Firebirds including four members of the 1999 AFL Champions: DS Derek Stingley, FB/LB Jamie McGourty, QB Jeff Loots, DS Chris Lawson. Says Coach Dailey “I’ve got great admiration for Coach Hohensee. I’ve known him for sixteen years and worked with him for twelve. Not only is he a great coach, but he is a class person.”
FG Hunter – Crikey, those goalposts are close together. Join fearless kicker Nelson Garner as he hunts down the most elusive of creatures, the AFL field goal. Garner ranks second in the league in field goal accuracy and has hit 22 of his last 23 PATs. He’s good, but holy smokes it’s always an adventure out there.
But wait, do not touch that dial, stay tuned for a very special episode of:
Touched by a Big Ugly – This week the Uglies visit their special brand of guidance on Chicago QB Jeff Loots. TE/DT Mark Valvo ain’t no Roma Downy, but lets see Roma plant an offensive lineman and introduce a ball carrier to the turf in less than 5 seconds. Della Reese has game, but I hear she is looking for a long-term contract with an outrageous signing bonus. In this week’s touching episode about unity, C Kyle Moore-Brown and G John Sikora remind us that deep down even if we are all not big, we all are a little ugly.
The 80’s sitcom “ALF” would also be a great addition to the line up, but I have to go now. The Sci-Fi channel is having a Battlestar Galactica marathon and I do not want to miss a moment of Starbuck and that rag-tag fleet.
Matthew Pickut is a pastor in northern Indiana and a long time AFL fan. He also writes for his own website: The Brown Paper Blog. He graduated from Taylor University in Upland Indiana (class of `96) with degrees in Biblical Literature and Sociology as well as a healthy respect for the medicinal properties of coffee.
