Columbus… It’s the Food

Rob Hammersmith
Saturday June 9, 2007

As I sat watching the last Columbus Destroyers home game of the 2007 season, I wondered what I could say about the game that my readers would even enjoy reading.

I was witnessing nothing that was enjoyable at all, except to the non-Destroyers fans. In fact, I don’t even recall the 2-14 Destroyers of 2005 playing as bad in any game as the Destroyers played against the Kansas City Brigade Friday night. 

At least in prior losses this season, there was something good I was able to find about the game. Friday night, not so much. 

So what could I write about? I really don’t enjoy writing about how bad things are, and honestly right now, things are really bad. And I don’t think Destroyers fans enjoy reading about how bad they are. We already know it. We watch it. We don’t need it detailed to us. So I sat, and pondered, as things only got worse on the field.

I began to consider why the same thing always seems to happen to the Destroyers every season. What’s the root cause? And it began to occur to me. It’s the food. Some of you might be thinking, “Okay, Rob has really lost it now.” But bear with me for a moment, or at the very least indulge my line of thinking here. 

I grew up in Columbus. About the time I was 11 years old I participated in a new product taste testing. It turns out that I was taste testing a new cereal called Smurfberry Crunch. I was presented with numerous bowls of red and blue puffed cereals and I told them what I thought. When a few months later I saw the product finally hit the shelves, I was so proud. I bragged to people about how I was involved in determining what the product would be. Yes, I sound like an idiot. But I was 11, what did I know?

That’s when someone explained to me about Columbus. Apparently Columbus is a huge market for product testing. Why? Because companies have learned that if Columbus won’t eat something, no one will. We’ll eat anything. So if a company has an idea, they try it in Columbus first. If it won’t sell here, they know it won’t sell anywhere else either. 

So how does this relate to the Destroyers? Well ultimately it’s not just about the Destroyers. Columbus also has a Major League Soccer (MLS) team called the Crew. And probably more well known is Columbus’ National Hockey League (NHL) team called the Blue Jackets. Those two teams, like the Destroyers, suffer from the same problem… a lack of any semblance of success. 

The Crew have been around for 12 years. In fact they were the first MLS team to get their own soccer specific stadium. And what have they accomplished with it? Nothing. 

The Blue Jackets have played six seasons in the NHL. In fact, the brand new Nationwide Arena, which was built specifically for the Blue Jackets, was ranked by ESPN as the #1 stadium/arena experience in any sport. And what have they accomplished with it? Nothing. In fact the Blue Jackets are the only NHL team to have never made the playoffs. 

So the problem with the Destroyers isn’t specific to the team. The common denominator is the city. All the major league pro sports teams in Columbus suffer from the same problem. 

That’s where the food comes in. It’s common knowledge in the food industry that Columbus will eat anything. So if you’re a national distributor of food, and you’ve got a shipment of sub-standard food, where are you going to send it? To Columbus of course. We’ll eat anything! Why risk shipping it to another city that may not eat it? Just make sure it’s packaged up all nice and pretty and we’ll consume it. 

Ultimately this turns any major league pro player who comes to Columbus into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. After consuming Columbus food there’s no telling what they’ll become. On some days they’ll come out and dominate just like they did with other teams they played with. Then on other days they’ll come out with the most pathetic performance in the league for the week. The Crew, the Blue Jackets, the Destroyers, all of these teams have players that fit that description. It’s gotta to be the food!

Luckily the effect of the food on these players isn’t permanent. After a player has left for another city, they can recover, and quite quickly. In fact, they could go on to quarterback their new team to a win in the ArenaBowl just one year later (Matt D’Orazio)

But the sad thing for Columbus is this, the lack of any semblance of success will just continue for all three teams. Even after twelve seasons of nothing, the Crew still get more than 12,000 fans a game. And that support will just continue.

Even after six seasons of nothing, the Blue Jackets still get more than 15,000 fans a game. And that support will just continue.

Even after four seasons of nothing, the Destroyers still get more than 12,000 fans a game. And that support will just continue. 

Why? Because not only will Columbus eat anything, we’ll buy anything too. Why would ownership try to fix something that Columbus fans are willing to buy? Just make sure it’s packaged up all nice and pretty (Crew Stadium and Nationwide Arena) and we’ll continue to consume it. 

The sad thing is, I write this knowing full well that I’ll still renew my four season tickets for next season. Maybe it’s nothing more than the hope that I’m wrong. Maybe the 2007 Destroyers will prove me wrong in the next two games. We’ll see.