Vegas Virginity Lost - Part 3
Adam J Locascio
Tuesday July 5, 2005
But I only have hours to take advantage of the city. I know that my friends are going golfing, but I opted not to go because I live in Florida and I can golf year-round. It would be a waste of a day to spend it on a golf course in desert heat.
We start with a Chinese buffet breakfast which includes eggs, bacon, toast, and egg rolls. Ahh, diversity. You have to love it. Kindra is finally done with her ArenaBowl commitments and is looking forward to using the day to her advantage as well. Venturing out is Kindra, Shari, my friend Mason, and I.
This is also coupon day. I printed about 500 coupons off the internet for free lunches, free slot pulls, and free admissions to various spots around the Strip. All you have to do is Google "Vegas Coupons." This was the day I was planning on using them.
After breakfast at New York, New York, the hotel next to ours, we strolled through their casino and checked out what it had to offer. Kindra decided to play the video blackjack with the $50 voucher she had. After three hours of clicking, she broke dead even and walked away with a fresh $50 voucher.
I, on the other hand, finished with a $20 gain which was shocking to me. I was doing better at the video blackjack than the actual blackjack. What was so shocking is that I thought that the computer-styled casino games were rigged, but I rarely lost money on them. When dealing with a human being, I was getting beaten worse than the Georgia Force.
I also joined the "Player’s Club." Sound impressive? It isn’t. It’s a credit card that gives you credit for each slot pull, game, or spin you log in the casino. I put my Player’s Club card in the video blackjack machine that Kindra was using and she racked up close to 400 credits in no time.
Jackpot baby! I cashed in my points and got my official "New York, New York Casino" t-shirt. After cashing out my points, we head out on our tour of casinos. In a single day, it would be impossible to see them all, so we limit our choices to those that we can get to easily, along with the ones we have coupons for.
The tram leaves New York, New York and takes us up the strip to the Luxor, which everyone has seen on TV. The Luxor looks like a giant black glass pyramid, complete with 200-foot tall sphinx guarding the door. Kindra was complaining that the building itself is a road hazard. Apparently, the sun reflects off of the glass sides of the building and blinds the oncoming traffic.
The Luxor is huge – and dark. You might as well be in a tomb. It even has a tunnel that leads to the casino next door, the Excalibur. We leave ancient Egypt and wander into the Renaissance Festival. Minstrels and flute music fill the atmosphere. The Excalibur has a shop that sells these "crystals" that allow you to have a photo of yourself suspended in the center as a 3D holographic image. It’s creepy.
It’s becoming increasingly evident that once you’ve seen one casino, you’ve seen them all. A slot machine is a slot machine no matter how you dress it up. We come to this realization as the déjà vu starts to gnaw at our brains, so we decide to call it an afternoon after visiting the Riviera, one of the older casinos on the strip. Think of the Riviera as the 77 Lincoln Continental parked on your neighbor’s lawn: probably nice at one time, but pretty much an eye-sore.
Kindra, Mason, Shari, and I make our way back to the Monte Carlo to freshen up for our last night in Vegas. We really need to do something big to make a splash. Our group has been puttering around the casinos for three days and it seems like we’re all reticent about throwing down more money at the tables. I was still in the hole about $260 and had nothing to show for my trip with the exception of the freebies I received at the ArenaBowl and a pair of flip-flops I bought at the Adidas outlet store. We didn’t want to go see a show because trying to find one show that fifteen people agree on is impossible.
Our group assembles in the casino of the Monte Carlo where we are all huddled around the video blackjack machines. What is really scary is, my hands are flying all over the buttons now, and I was playing a single hand in less than four seconds. At one point, I had a crowd behind me watching me hit, stand, and double-down. It was like I was typing a term paper. When the smoke cleared, I had made $60 and a whole bunch of Player’s Club points.
Since this is our first time together as a group we decide to take a few pictures together before deciding where to go for our last night in Vegas. Mason decides to spend some time with his sister and brother-in-law so it’s just me, Tim, Kindra, Palmer, our friend Fausto, and Shari.
This was a night that we didn’t want to spend just drinking at some bar. I think it was finally time to put the "sin" in "Sin City."
We needed to go to a strip club.
I finished reading the autobiography of adult film star Jenna Jameson on the plane on the way out to Vegas and I had read that she had worked at a club called the Crazy Horse, so I suggested it to the group and we were off. We went outside the casino and tried to find a taxi to take us there. The problem was there was six of us and Vegas has a law that says no more than four passengers in a taxi at a time.
So we would have to take two cabs, which was ridiculous. The club was less than two miles away. We had to figure out how to get there in one car.
Parked in the driveway near the cabs was a limousine a driver was leaning on the hood. I walk over to him and say, "Look, we have six people. We need a ride to the Crazy Horse and we’ll give you $30.00."
The driver’s name was Igor (he was Russian) which immediately spurred thoughts of the movie "Young Frankenstein," ("No, it’s pronounced EYE-gor."). He said that he could give us a ride, but e couldn’t take us to the Crazy Horse because he doesn’t get any kind of concession from the club. He did offer to take us to another club called the Spearmint Rhino, and he said he could get us in for half-price.
Luckily, I did a lot of strip club research before we left for Vegas so I knew that this was an upscale club. We accepted and hopped in the limo.
Spearmint Isn’t Just Gum
The Spearmint Rhino certainly doesn’t sound like a strip club, but it doesn’t look like one either. The inside is laid out like a country club with the exception of the brass pole. Large, comfortable leather seats and tables adorn the dimly lit club. It was a Monday night and the club was fairly empty. We took our seats and ordered our drinks and watched the show.
The girls in the club started making their way over to our table as soon as we sat down. These were some beautiful women and Fausto made fast friends with a pretty girl named Aries. Aries was very personable and friendly and Fausto really seemed to take to her. And why not? She was almost naked.
I asked Aries if she was actually an "Aries."
"No, I’m a Cancer," she replied. "but telling customers your name is ‘Cancer’ doesn’t do much for business."
Smart girl.
Other girls didn’t have the same business sense though. The DJ announced that "Cialis" was taking the stage. I was wondering if we would see Allegra, Lipitor, and Paxil at some point during the night.
We did have some "strip-club etiquette" problems though. I was quite generous and bought lap dances for Palmer and Shari, however, only Shari returned the favor. Tim was an even bigger hog as he just sat back and let Palmer buy for him the whole night. We later found out that this was Tim’s first lap dance experience so the next time we take him out, he’s going to have to show he’s got some cash.
Shari’s reaction was the best. You would think we turned a nine-year old loose in a Toys R Us. She ran up to me, all giddy, and said, "I found one! I found one I want a dance from!" she exclaimed as she was pointing across the room at Crystal, a blonde.
In the meantime, Fausto disappeared with Aries to who knows where. The amount of time he spent with her, I was sure he was going to ask her to meet his parents.
Hey, if we were going to lose money, this was the place to do it.
Back to Reality
Igor was waiting for us outside as we dragged ourselves away from our future wives. We jumped in the limo and headed back to the hotel. It was a great way to cap the night. Unfortunately, we were all leaving in the morning, but the Spearmint Rhino made an indelible impression on us all.
I know I had a good time. Vegas is amazing. It took me about a week to realize that the service, the glitz, and the attractions are there to mask the fact that the casino robbed you using everything but a gun. You will have to pick your events to ensure that you get maximum exposure (no pun intended).
I could tell I had a good time because as I rode in the cab to the airport, I was already thinking about how to make an excuse to go back. Did I have any more vacation time left? Could I come for a weekend in the fall? Can I afford to do this again?
The AFL did well. Anyone can come to Vegas and have fun. Even though our group’s experience was rated-R, there is enough in Vegas to entertain anyone. The real challenge is dragging yourself away from the attractions to watch football.
Adam J. Locascio is a financial advisor in the Tampa Bay area and a Board Member of the Tampa Bay Storm Surge Fan Club. He holds a Bachelor of Science degree from the University of Phoenix and is a six-year season ticket holder for the Tampa Bay Storm.
