Not Exactly the King of Comedy
Matt Walsh
Wednesday December 6, 2000
Thank you, thank you. I’m glad to be here. Wow! What a good-looking crowd we’ve got here tonight. How’s everybody enjoying this AFL of-season? It’s another controversial one, isn’t it? Remember last season’s stomach-churning labor dispute? Remember how much fun that was? “We have all the union cards.” “No, we have all the cards.” AFL fans knew all about bad recount systems way before this Election 2000 fiasco. Did those union cards have pregnant chads, too? And who was in charge of counting those cards anyway, the league’s officiating crew?
Bada Bing! (Ooos from the audience)
Not to be outdone by the labor debacle, this off-season has brought in its fair share of controversy with the relocation of two of Arena Football’s premiere franchises, the Albany Firebirds and Iowa Barnstormers. You have to feel bad for the loyal fan bases in those two cities. Especially in Albany, where after ten years, Firebird fans are now going to have to revert back to their number-one summer entertainment option, cruising the neighborhood Sonic drive-through.
Bada Boom! (Boos from the audience. A long-time Firebird season-ticket holder and Arenafan guru stands up and yells, “You stink!”)
Oh, excuse me. I forgot that there’s so much to do in that thriving metropolis. (More boos).
But seriously folks, for years, AFL supporters have been clamoring about the league needing more TV exposure and media coverage. Those wishes may someday come true now that the AFL is being proposed to by the almighty NFL, and bigwig owners are scooping up franchises left and right. But you’re going to have to take the bad with the good. Right now, with the continuing labor disputes and the defections of small-town teams to larger markets, the fans are only seeing the ugly underbelly of the big-league sports business. What’s next? Are Arenaball players’ contract negotiations going to start demanding luxury suites and chartered plane rides for their families? Is Aaron Garcia going to have his own merchandise tent set up before and after every Dragon home game? Do AFL fans really want the league to become the fifth major league?
Don’t count on any of those things happening anytime soon. If ESPN proved anything with last season’s horrendous playoff coverage it was that the Arena Football League is no closer to becoming the fifth major league than professional beach hockey is to merging with the NHL.
(Tapping the microphone) Hey, is this thing on? (The sound of crickets ensues).
Has anybody been watching Monday Night Football? (One person claps in the audience). Oh, you’re the one. I like the addition of Dennis Miller in the booth. Sure, some of the things he says go over my head, but I’d rather have that than some rock-headed jock spouting off cliché after cliché while stating the obvious after every play. “I bet the quarterback wishes he could have that throw back. I know how he feels after an interception like that.” At least Miller makes you think.
Anyway, I started to think of what comedian would be a good fit in the TNN booth with Eli Gold. Some of the folks on the Arenafan e-mail list suggested names like Tom Arnold and Denis Leary. I think Jeff Foxworthy would be a great sidekick for Gold. He meets the TNN demographic and has that Arena Football blue-collar mentality. I can hear him now:
If the person you’re wrestling with for that ball thrown into the stands is your 80-year old grandmother, you might just be a diehard Arenaball fan.
If you name your first-born son Hunkie, Shedrick or Oronde, you might be a diehard Arenaball fan.
If you can recite the Fan’s Bill of Rights from memory, you might be a diehard Arenaball fan.
If you have nets hanging up on either side of your living room, you might just be a diehard Arenaball fan.
What else has been going on in the world of Arena Football? Who let the Paws out? In his quest to play for every known football league in the universe, Mike Pawlawski has signed with the XFL’s San Francisco Demons. Kind of strange for a guy who fought so hard for player benefits in the AFL to go play in a league that doesn’t have benefits, and won’t exactly be in a player-friendly environment when it comes to injuries. I can see it now:
“Mike Pawlawski is slammed to the turf five full seconds after he threw the pass—and no penalty!” rants announcer Jesse Ventura. “ I think he’s re-injured his back!” The camera switches to the sideline reporter who runs up to a gorgeous cheerleader. “So tell me, what is the real reason for Mike re-aggravating his back?” the sideline reporter asks the cheerleader. Angrily watching from the front row of the stands, Mike’s wife, Tracy, stands up on the rail and does a swan ton bomb on the cheerleader’s…
You know, the XFL might be fun to watch after all.
That’s all the time I have. Thank you very much. (Boos from the audience) No really, thank you. (Somebody throws a tomato and yells, “don’t quit your day job you jerk!”)
Matt Walsh was a writer for ArenaFan Online from 2000 to 2001.
