A Letter for Daunte
Adam Markowitz
Monday September 8, 2008
Dear Daunte Culpepper:
I’m sorry that you never did find a job this season in the National Football League. It really is a sin, too. Before you suffered a catastrophic knee injury that essentially took you out of football for good, you were one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. You threw for 129 touchdown passes from 2000 to 2004 and rushed for another 28 scores. And without you, we may never have found out who Randy Moss was.
You wrote a very eloquent open letter about your retirement last week. You made mention about so many problems that existed when you tried to make your return to the NFL. Teams didn’t give you fair shots. You’ve got a problem with the NFL being a league that is, “more about power, money, and control than about passion, competition, and the love of the game.”
I also noticed in your letter that you decided to retire from “the NFL” and not “football.” Maybe it was just a bit of a coincidence, but you also said that you would “rather move on and win in other arenas of life.”
Arenas, eh? Ok, I know you’re probably not taking this the same way I am, but c’mon, think about it for a second. You looked great in black and gold at UCF! In your four years as a (Golden) Knight, you broke over 30 passing records. At time you graduated, you held the record for the highest completion percentage by a quarterback in NCAA football history. You were one of just three people who ever threw for 10,000 yards and rushed for 1,000 yards in your collegiate career at the Division-I level. Oh, and amongst all quarterbacks at any level, you finished your career in sixth place all-time in total offense with 12,459 yards.
Though you said in your letter than no one in the NFL wanted you, I can assure you that the Orlando Predators would be absolutely thrilled if you decided you still wanted to play some football. You say the word, and within 24 hours, we’ll have your #8 jersey ready for you, your face will on the side of Amway Arena, and we’ll throw a parade for good measure!
Imagine this, too. Everyone picked on how small your hands were coming out of college. I guess they were afraid that you were going to fumble the ball too many times. Though you did fumble 93 times in your career, you don’t have much in the way of expectations to live up to for us. We all got tired of seeing Shane Stafford drop snaps and make ridiculously bad decisions with the football. All you have to do is not turn the ball over 23 times like our last quarterback did, and you’ll be just fine.
Oh, and as the starting quarterback, we’ll make sure that all of the cheerleaders are wearing tiny little tank-tops with #8 across their chest at the games just for you! After all, it looked a little ridiculous to see them wearing those #14s when everyone was booing poor Shane, and even more ridiculous to see them when Jake Eaton was starting at quarterback!
There isn’t a game that is more about passion, competition, and the love of the game than the AFL is, my friend, and you certainly won’t find a more fiery coach than Jay Gruden. Orlando fans have a passion for the game like none other, and our fan club is the greatest. If you want a plate of homemade chocolate-chip cookies before every home game, that can be arranged. Hope you like candy, because Joy, Nancy, Shorty, and the gang are good at bringing various sweets for all of their favorites! On your birthday, we’ll make sure you have a cake. Oh, and when we have our team picnic in the middle of the season, you can rest assured that whatever you want the fans to grill up for you, it’ll be done and done just to your liking.
There will be no media pressure whatsoever. Remember, you’re an icon. The Sentinel loves you! I’d stay away from that yutz from ArenaFan, though… He’s known to be a little rough around the edges when the team is losing… ask Jay, he’ll tell you all about me… um… uh… “that writer.”
You know, don’t just take my word for it. Ask your buddy, Siaha Burley! You two were perfect for each other at UCF. After being one of the more successful quarterback/wide receiver combinations in NCAA history, look at what he’s accomplished with us in the AFL. He’s got the eighth most receptions, the seventh most receiving yards, the sixth most receiving touchdowns, and the 14th most return yards in league history. Oh, and where did Siaha start his AFL career? Yep, right here in the City Beautiful.
I know you still have a passion for football in your heart, and what better way to keep that flame burning than to join the Predators! Try-outs start this week, but I’m sure if you were interested, we could get you into camp whenever you wanted. The regular season is still a ways off, so there’s plenty of time if you would like to think about this offer. You don’t have to worry about leaving your friends and family, as they’ll all be right here in Orlando every step of the way.
So please, Mr. Culpepper… consider my offer. We don’t even have a quarterback listed on our roster quite yet, so I promise if you want to play, the job is yours!
Know that the city of Orlando loves you either way. Predator Nation will be patiently awaiting your response.
Best regards,
Adam Markowitz