Beat the Guru: AFL Week 8
Adam Markowitz
Thursday April 17, 2008
The coaching in this league was just pitiful this past week. I was fortunate enough to watch Kevin Guy give Tampa Bay a win that Tim Marcum handed back, watch Kevin Porter screw up any chance to beat Chicago only to have Mike Hohensee try to give it back, and saw the San Jose SaberCats blow a four possession lead at home. All of this venting over bad coaching, and Jay Gruden isn’t even on my list of gripes. Truly amazing.
Anyway, because I swore that a two-year old could do a better job of managing a clock than these coaches did in Week 7, this week’s theme is children’s songs. You’ll catch on quickly.
But before I run off on my two-year old rampage, I need to stand on my pedestal once again. Welcome back to AFLGuru’s domain, boys and girls. After another productive week at 6-2, I’ve caught AFLJunkie and I’m back tied for the best record in this little competition. As for my “Guru” in crime, I owe him an apology. I said that in Week 6 he posted a 3-5 record, when he posted a 4-4 record. With his marks updated from then and his 5-3 week, I’m now up two games on the imposter from Arena Football Online.
Oh, and congrats to es46ne10, who posted an absolutely ridiculous 7-1 week to get back in the thick of things for the season. Honorable mentions go out to Rush43 for matching my 6-2. Several others posted solid 5-3 weeks as well. All in all, it was a great week for most of us in Guru World.
Disclaimer: This information should be used for entertainment purposes only. Should you choose to actually lay real money on these games, that’s purely your choice, and neither I nor ArenaFan are responsible. All lines are courtesy of LVSC as of Wednesday evening. Please note that these lines are not available offshore, but will be the lines used for the purpose of competition this week since offshore lines are no longer available until Thursday.
New York Dragons (+8) @ Tampa Bay Storm: Ah yes, the Tampa Bay Storm. I think the whole world knew when the Storm scored a TD on their last drive of the game that they were losing because they left the Rattlers an eternity of time on the clock. So just for that…
*Sung to the Barney theme*
I blame you.
You blame me.
We’re a dysfunctional family
With a brain lock on offense
And three special teams blunders too
Won’t you say you’ll blame me too.
Yeah, I just referenced Barney. Deal with it. The Storm may have a lot to deal with again this week against a suddenly resurgent Dragons squad.
Guru’s Pick: Upset Special, Dragons by 4
8-Ball’s Pick: Storm
San Jose SaberCats (-10) @ Utah Blaze: Remember Lamb Chop’s Play Along from the good ol’ days? Man, does this fit the Utah Blaze perfectly…
This is the streak that never ends
It keeps going on and on my friends
Utah’s team… Starting losing it
Not knowing what it was
But they continued losing
Every game they played because
This is the streak that never ends…
Though it isn’t going to get any better for the Blaze this week, they should be able to stick within this hefty number against a San Jose team that just seems to have lost it.
Guru’s Pick: SaberCats by only 6
8-Ball’s Pick: Blaze
New Orleans VooDoo (-7) @ Arizona Rattlers: Since Coach Guy tried really hard to hand Tampa Bay a victory and still pulled it out of his hat for the Rattlers…
*Sung to Puff the Magic Dragon*
Puff the Magic Rattlers
Just won on Marcum’s idiocy
With Utah and KC a mess
The playoffs are guaranteed!
In all seriousness, I was very impressed with Arizona’s effort in Tampa Bay, and I expect them to pick up a second straight victory against a Southern Division opponent this week.
Guru’s Pick: Magic Rattlers by two tuddies
8-Ball’s Pick: Rattlers
Colorado Crush (-5) @ Kansas City Brigade: After not onside kicking after tying the game with the Chicago Rush with 3:17 to play, there’s only one song to sing about Kevin Porter.
*Sung to Old MacDonald*
There was a coach who had no brain and Kevin was his name-o
K-E-V-I-N
K-E-V-I-N
K-E-V-I-N
And Kevin was his name-o
However… The good news for the Crush is that Kristi Lee Cook will be available to come to the game now that she’s done with American Idol. The bad news… With another inspired effort like they put up on Monday night, this could be the night that the Brigade finally get the ‘W.’
Guru’s Pick: Upset Special, Brigade by 7
8-Ball’s Pick: Brigade
Orlando Predators (-1) @ Georgia Force: We all know that the Predators are going to get a reversal of karma from their first game this year, so we may as well get prepared for Coach Gruden and the dump button…
99 f--- bombs from Gruden this week
99 f--- bombs this week
You bleep one out
And watch Gruden shout
98 f---bombs from Gruden this week…
Sorry Preds fans, it’s a bad spot. It’s a relatively short week for Orlando, while the Force are coming off the bye week. The Preds haven’t had much luck in Georgia of late, and with the very questionable call that gave them the first meeting between these two division rivals, I don’t see how Orlando is escaping this week with a victory. However, get ready for Code Red next week when the Storm pay their annual visit to the Jungle…
Guru’s Pick: Not-so-much-of-an-upset, Force by 6
8-Ball’s Pick: Predators
Cleveland Gladiators (+3) @ Los Angeles Avengers: I know what Ed Hodgkiss was thinking when he suddenly started Tim Hicks over Sonny Cumbie a couple weeks ago…
*Sung to My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean*
My Sonny is causing me problems
My Sonny can’t throw a TD
My Sonny is sitting his butt down
And Hicks will give us victory!
I’ll lay the short number against this Cleveland team which is really starting to resemble the Gladiators of old.
Guru’s Pick: Avengers by 8
8-Ball’s Pick: Gladiators
Grand Rapids Rampage (+15.5) @ Chicago Rush: Man, will the real Grand Rapids Rampage please stand up?
*Sung to Pop Goes the Weasel*
All around the Grand Rapids home
The Rampage’s troubles a brewin’
If Thonn can’t do better than this
We’ll have to rehire McEwen!
If the Rampage don’t improve from these last two weeks, it should be another romp in a series of historically lopsided games.
Guru’s Pick: Rush by 18
8-Ball’s Pick: Rush
Philadelphia Soul (-10.5) @ Columbus Destroyers: The Columbus Destroyers should have a new theme song.
*Sung to Hokey Pokey*
You put your offense in
You pull your offense out
You put your offense in
And they’re going three and out
You do the Ho-Kay Po-Kay
And you send your defense out
That’s what Columbus is all about!
By the end of the fourth quarter, everyone on the Soul sidelines should be doing the Ho-Kay Po-Kay just waiting for the clock to expire as they march towards their matchup with the undefeated Dallas Desperados next week.
Guru’s Pick: Soul by 10.5… touchdowns
8-Ball’s Pick: Destroyers
And just to prove that it’s not just the teams in the AFL that I’m picking on this week, I may as well go after the officiating as well…
Three blind refs
Three blind refs
See how they run
See how they run
They all blew calls
That changed games every night
Their yellow flags
Are always not right
We should chop of their mics
Once they come into sight
Three blind refs
Three blind refs
Special thanks goes out to ScottW for helping me draw some of these songs up.
With all of that hilarity out of the way, let’s list the standings coming into the eighth week of the season.
Beat the Guru’s Top 10 (must have 16 games selected to qualify)
AFLJunkie: 33-22 (60.0%)
Phillysoul04: 17-14 (54.8%)
InsideSix: 30-25 (54.5%)
Es46ne10: 28-26 (51.9%)
Rush43: 24-23 (51.1%)
Kronuckle: 11-12 (47.8%)
SoulPhan71: 15-18 (45.5%)
TDTommy: 25-30 (45.5%)
EKUVolley: 24-31 (43.6%)
AvengersFan: 10-14 (41.7%)
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Adam Markowitz is an accountant living in Orlando. Adam is an old school AFLer, having followed the AFL since 1991. He attended or covered well over 200 games, including 17 ArenaBowls. Adam worked for the Arena Football League for two years as a columnist and historian before retiring in 2017 when the 50-yard indoor war left the Sunshine State. Adam still muses about the AFL on ArenaFan from time to time, and you can follow him on Twitter @adammarkowitzea.