AFL Coaching 101: How To Take Advantage of Idiotic Rules in the AFL
Adam Markowitz
Tuesday March 29, 2011
Last week, I began our tutorials which should be called, "AFL Coaching for Dummies," and apparently, I actually had some coaches listen to me here at ArenaFan. Cleveland Gladiators Head Coach Steve Thonn and Utah Blaze Head Coach Ron James both took delay of game penalties instead of blowing timeouts in their respective games this week. Of course, I tend to believe that Thonn was a tad happier with the way that the Glads played than James was with the Blaze... but hey, we're making progress!
Nothing good came out of the 66-26 loss for the Tampa Bay Storm against the aforementioned Gladiators on Sunday night (and geez, what a stupid day and time for a game... but that's a different article for a different day). The offense was terrible, the defense was terrible, and the 40 point margin of defeat was the worst in the history of the team. The 7,939 announced attendance was the worst in Storm history as well.
However, as I was trying to avoid puking up my pretzels from the press box, I did have a realization that there are some really, really stupid rules in this league. But hey, I don't make the rules up, I just know how to exploit them. So in this week's edition of AFL Coaching 101, I'm going to teach these coaches how to take advantage of the moronic rules that the owners drew up this year.
First off, what gives with this "bonus" crapola that can get called on defenses? The first two offsides penalties are five yard penalties as always, but beyond that, they're all five yards and an automatic first down. Okay, so this is easy. Just snap the ball on two on every single play. Hell, don't even bother sending a man in motion. Just come up to the line and keep yelling "Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!" until somebody moves. The third time it happens, you've got a new set of downs.
Case in point for how dumb this really is: Cleveland faced a 4th and 19 in the third quarter on Sunday. The offensive line jumped, moving the ball backwards five yards and setting up a 4th and 24. The very next snap, a Storm lineman moved, and the Glads picked up an automatic first down and scored a TD a few plays later.
Nice job, Coach Thonn.
Who came up with that rule anyway? John Elway? Or the guy who decided in 2004 that all offsides penalties were good for first downs? The AFL was smart enough to repeal that one after one year... but who knows with this one...
Now, the second idiotic rule... Onside kicks... If you're the return team, you have all of the rules on your side. First off, you can just bat any ball that comes your way out of bounds. Sure, you'll get hit with a five yard penalty for batting the ball forward, but who cares? Keeping the ball is a heck of a lot more important.
The rule that has me irked today is the fact that you can't hit a man who is in the air on an onside kick. I know that this is a rule that was implemented in the name of safety for players, but isn't this getting a tad ridiculous? On an onside kick that was clearly recovered by Tampa Bay in the second half, the Storm were flagged for this personal foul on a receiver that was about three inches off of the ground. If I, as a 5'6" scrawny dude without an athletic bone in his body, can jump higher than the guy who is in the air, there's no way that this should be a penalty. Let's use some of this funny thing called "judgment."
So here's the plan, coaches. Instruct this to all of your players: As soon as anyone comes near you, just jump. Once they hit you, it's a personal foul, and you get to keep the ball. Forget about actually fielding the darn ball.
The new Supervisor of Officials, Carl Paganelli was in the house at the St. Pete Times Forum on Sunday, and I hope that he saw all of this and just how stupid these rules really are. However, knowing that the league isn't going to do anything about it right now, the coaches in this league just need to figure out how to take the fullest advantage of it.
Class dismissed.
